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2Travel.org

The Path We Have Traveled

 
   
 

A look at the inner workings of my ego and
the ways that it keeps me trapped in fear.

 
 

 

A Piece of Perfect

For most of my life, I have been suffering through mental torture. An idea or thought comes into my mind, I project a physical symptom into to my body and my whole world is transforms into a reason for fear. I can observe this interaction knowing that nothing has changed in my outer life. I have linked something that I believe should have been different in the past with something that might happen in the future. I punish myself for the past by projecting imminent destruction in my future. My ego feeds off the energy from this process and grows stronger.
This fear comes from my core, relates to my basic beliefs about myself and how my life will turn out. I will fail, success is temporary and eventually they will all see how incompetent I am. These beliefs are not facts they were installed in me when I was very young and had no defense against them. My attempt to dispel beliefs rooted in my early development by punishing myself with the fearful idea of the day has never been effective.
When I am under this type of attack, I am paralyzed and feel as though my entire life is moments away from falling to ruin, all my failures exposed. My only coping mechanism is to bombard the issue with action, to force it to become a near miss so that I can feel relief. At times like this I live in panic desperately searching for ways to appease God and be worthy of his love and protection. The God I know at times like these is my father, punishing, intolerant and full of rage. I become a helpless child. I want to run away before it all collapses around me but I am compelled to make it right. I believe that I can make it all go away if I only work harder to be a good.
I act as if I believe, but I do not, a part of me always believed I was a bad boy and deserved punishment. I seek to appease my oppressor by proving that I have learned my lesson, seeing the cause is external, as if this was a painful lesson taught by my God. I spend my time thinking about causation and how I can change my behavior to keep from being punished. I search for a way to resolve the issue and a way to explain it that will appease my ego.
The entire issue lies within me; it is a projection of my mind. I create the emotional pain in the form of fear. I want to be perfect, I want to fix everything, I want to be Loved and Protected. Yet resolving this issue will not accomplish any of those goals. Resolving this issue will only reduce the current pain. Because I cling to the desire to be seen as a good boy, a perfect boy, I am insuring that I will experience pain any time I fall short of any goal. As long as I have a belief that I can be perfect, I will spend my life in terror over my imperfections. As long as I believe the answer lies outside of me I will continue to project destruction.
I will work desperately to blame others. I will deny and repress all evidence of my imperfections. When possible I will remove from my life all that brings to mind those imperfections. When I cannot remove them, I will project judgments of far worse things onto the objects that remind me of my imperfections. In the end I will hate myself for I am the proof of my imperfections that I will only be rid of in death.
Why do I find it so distasteful to be as I am? Why do I inflict so much pain on to myself instead of accepting the truth? Perhaps I am subtly aware that in me is a part of something perfect, a piece of God. I have confused the world I create in the mind for the real self that I am just coming to be aware of. There is perfection in me, but I will not manifest it in the world as it is beyond my soul. That which I create in the body -- mind -- ego world will always be imperfect. Resistance only causes pain, and acceptance is the path to freedom. I have much to learn from the imperfect world my mind creates. If I view it as clues to the internal areas to work on it will uncover the path to freedom. I believe this will somehow guide me to stronger connection to the Peace and Perfection I seek.


One More Time
539

 

 
 

The cause of all our personal problems and nearly all the problems of the world can be summed up in a single sentence:
Human life is very deep, and our modern dominant lifestyle is not.
--Bo Lozoff