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2Travel.org

The Path We Have Traveled

 
   
 

A work describing the Emptiness that Sometimes
Has to happen before Re-Birth can occur .

 
 

I am Broken

This is not where I want to be.
Yet I fought with all my strength to get here.
I need to create and grow a strong relationship with myself as absurd as that sounds.
I have spent my life seeking the approval of others.
Connecting myself to their needs and wants.
 Running almost every idea, action, change, thought or plan by them and then moving forward in a way or direction that I thought would most please “Them”. My whole life has been spent attempting to:
Make “Them” happy.
Make “Them” Love me.
Make “Them” my director.
I know next to nothing about me. What I like or what I want.
Am I enough – Am I Lovable?
How do you answer these questions from within? It does not seem possible.
I came upon this strategy for survival honestly.
With the threat of beatings and disapproval my parents trained me to put their needs and wants ahead of my own. I then went into the world and created the only kind of relationships I had ever known. Unfortunately it is not possible to receive what I was looking for from another.
This is the work I have been avoiding and moving toward for most of my life. I barely know where to start. Nothing I do seems real until I tell someone I did it. Nothing seems possible until I know it is going to have a chance of getting a positive reaction from someone else.
For me this “In-Between” may be the ultimate challenge. How can I learn to do something that I am not sure if I have ever seen, felt or experienced?
I feel like I am broken.
I feel like an empty abandoned shell of a person.
Down deep, I have always felt this way.
I could never imagine how to begin to fix myself and I am not sure if it is even possible.
So I chose the only life where I knew most of the rules.
A life of bondage and servitude to whomever would step up and tell me what to do as long as they gave me a scrap of hope that if I did what they wanted well they would pat me on the head and say good boy.
Now the input from the other is gone and I am alone in a way that I have never been. Now stripped of the hope that I can get what I need from another. I am almost completely lost as to how to proceed. I am frozen in place going through the motions of a life that holds little promise.
This will not be easy. It seems that the last half of my life has been filled with “This will not be easy”. The only comfort I now have is the reality that it will be different. I have never had the guts to fight this hard to be this lost before.
I think I should cry but with no-one to witness it, I cannot seem to understand the point.
I am broken.

 


One More Time
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The cause of all our personal problems and nearly all the problems of the world can be summed up in a single sentence:
Human life is very deep, and our modern dominant lifestyle is not.
--Bo Lozoff